Ice Creamed A Cream in Time Gone By…

Dearest blog, I’m so sorry I’ve neglected you of late. I feel a bit like the Dad in that song Cats In The Cradle, and to a lesser extent like the Dad in those truly frightening anti-terrorism ads they used to show in Northern Ireland that used Cats In The Cradle. It just seems that with elections long gone my glorious technicolour adventures at BBC White City feeling like a generation ago and my Rachel Riley-dedicated limerick not winning a Countdown teapot, my creative ju-ju has been sapped. Thankfully though, my activities of this weekend has given me cause to post the type of  wry, sparkling and incisive writing for which I am at least partially renowned, hopefully stopping my blog from becoming a distant, workaholic knob just like me, or indeed a gunman for the ‘Ra.

So what is this genius topic that has restored my joke de vivre? Eh, ice-cream. But not just ice cream, thinking up ice cream flavours that could be endorsed by pop stars. When ideas come to me I try not to think too much about where they come from, but the fact that it was very hot at the time and I was listening to Radcliffe and Maconie on the radio, two men whose musical mirth I hope to emulate some day, probably has something to do it. It started lightly enough, with Milli Vanilla, Mango Jerry and whatnot, but then I posted my idea on the global zetigiest machine that is Facebook. And that’s when a throwaway epigram became, in the most curiously organic way, an honest-to-God game, a competition. Or “a most incidious and virulent internet meme”, as one contributor put it.

From Thursday night to Sunday morning, a merry band of  time-rich musos came up with 216 such popstar-inspired flavours, some of them outlandish, some of them bizarre, most of them plain hilarious. To that end, much props have to go out to those who saw my initially insanity and pitched in some of their own: to Louise Higgins, the irresistible force to my punstoppable object, and her cohorts Steve McConville and Barry Magee; to Kevin Ward, perhaps the funniest man who’s never been on Radio 4; to Mike Dunbar, who is essentially my English equivalent; and to Claire Shepherd, who despite only coming to the game about 3/4 of the way through the game offered some real gems.

So, in an attempt to make us all feel like our comedic efforts haven’t gone to waste, I thought I’d post the complete list here, so that we can look back at this list years from now, bask in its’ nerdy glory and think to ourselves, “Wow, we were funny/unemployed back then.”

As you may notice, the flavours sort of go in cycles, biscuit flavourings were big for a while, then more alcoholic ones took precedence, sometimes flavours that only Heston Blumenthal would make would come up and some of them may be obscure Irish confection you didn’t realise exist, but however palatable a summer treat some of them may sound, here goes the complete list. Enjoy!

Milli Vanilla,
Mango Jerry,
Corinne Bailey-Cheescake,
Barry White Chocolate,
Scritti Politti Tutti Frutti,
Bananarama,
McAlmond and Butterscotch,
Nena Cherry sorbet,
Godley and Creme Egg,
Black Eyed Pecan,

Kiwi Dee,
Tiramisuzie Quattro,
The Passions Fruit,
CoffeELO,

Hall & Oatmeal Raisin Cookie,
Berry Manilow,
Fiona Apple sherbet,
Not-so-hot Chocolate,
Durian Durian,
Fudge Lovin Criminals,
Arctic Roll Monkeys,

The Peach Boys,
Lychee Li,
Sigur Raspberry,
Ice Tea – ly brothers,
Girlfriend in a Honeycomba,
Urban Cookie Dough Collective,
Ne-yopolitan,
Feast,
Hot Choc Chip,
James Brownie,

Lemony Kravitz,
Rage Against the Praline,
Doop The Doop,
Simon Le Bonbon,
(Baked) Alaska In Chains,
Joe Strumm ‘n Raisin,
Carol Double Decker,
Skakespear Sister,
Plum-a Faith,
Chaka De-moussaka 

CaraMel Tormé,
Megadeth by Chocolate,
Nat King Cola,
Calpol Young (get to it, pharmaceutical industry!),
OranGina G,
Thom Yorkie,
Tiffin-y,
Pavlovan Morrison,
Black Forest Gatori Amos,
Britney Spearmint,

Raspberry Coulis-o,
Twix Smith,
Donna Summer Fruits,
Sparklerhorse,
Big Countreacle,
Bangles Twister,
The Carte Doors,
HB-52s,
AlMundy,
Mark Cone.

Fat Frogs Die In Hot Cars,
BTO M&Ms,
Wayne Coynetto, lead singer of the F-lemon Lips,
Stevie Wobbly Wonder.
Malteaser Butler,
Chaka Flan
Eclair Grogan,
Kylie Minoghurt,
Tone Loc Ice,
Taking Back Sundae.

Knickerbocker Rory Gallagher,
Oreo Speedwagon,
Honeydrew Lachey
Haagen Nas
Helen Shapi-Rolo
Macadamien Rice
Luther Vancandyfloss,
Bob Geltoffee 
REM-enthal
Bis-tachio
Peters and Lea and Perrin.

The Caramelvins
Super Split Enz.
Viennetta James
Limey Fisher,
Pear Supply,
Mr. Mister Freeze
Emersonny Delight, Lake and Palmer,
Johnny Cashew,
Fish Food,
The Chi Tea Lites,

Steely Dandelion and Burdock
Daft Punkoconut. Sprinkled with Stardust, no doubt.
Paolo Nutty-ni
Rick Parfait
Mariah Cherry
Jelly and The Pacemakers
Haircut 100′s and thousands
The Profiterolling Stones

Modest Mousse,

Psapple Crumble,

 Jefferson Aero PLane

30 Seconds to Mars bar

Todd Rundgren-ola,

Milky Waylon Jennings

Kajagoogoosebery

The Gateaux Boys

Brandy Crawford, with her hit performance with the Crusaders, Sweet Life.
Thorntony Bennett,
Jammy Davis Jnr,
Fred Astairey Milk
Cognac West

Mika-dos,

Terry Hall-Gold

Aretha Franklinberry
Cheese Boards of Canada
ABBAnana
Irv Biscotti of Murder Inc. Records
Tony Viscount-i, Teenage Fanclub Orange
Jackson 5-4-3-2-1
Arlo Guth-Riesen

Tim Tam Club, Genius of Love Hearts

 

Keith Bourbon,

Deep Purple Snack,

Fleet) Fox’s Mint (Royale) Echo (& The Bunnymen)
Kit Kat Power
Anne Murray Mints
Solerophonics,
Twister Sister,
Vanilla Choc Ice,
Marilyn Magnum,
Pear Jam,
 
Captain Quencher Beefheart and his Magic Band.
Fruit Past-Elaine Page
Josh Fritter

Fleetwood Macadamia Nut

Moody Bluesberry

Johnny Loganberry

Mango Street Peaches and Cream

Clementina Turner

MandarIncubus

NectaRene and Renato

 

REM’s Bill Berry,

Plum 41

Alphabeatroot,

Big Tom-ato,

TR Dallasatsuma

La Rouxbarb and custard

Framboise 2 Men

Petit filou Bega.

Capri-Sun Ra

Absinthe-le Minds,
 
Whiskey Lo Tengo
WKD Lang

Rhubarbara Streisand

Harvey’s Bjork Cream

Sonny & Schloer
Cannon and ScrewBall
Stiff Little Fingers of Fudge,
Matt Munroly Poly
Watermelon Boys

Vanessa Passion Fruit

Persimmon and Garfunkel

Skunk Anan-iseed
Greengage Day
My Name Is Mocha, (suitable for Susanne Vegans, but you can only get it at Tom’s Diner.)
The Captain Morgan & Tenille,
Sambuca T & The MGs
Paul Weller-aisin,
Hazelnut O’Connor,

 Jefferson Star(bar)ship,
Giorgio Moro-der

Double Decker & The Aces.
Chompetty and The Heartbreakers.
Rocky Nick Rhodes,

MG&T

Advocaat Stevens,
New York Bols
Bollingerry Rafferty,
Lil’ Christal
ActiviAlthea and Donna

Chasing Car-amel (perhaps with a promotional flavour They Shoot Horse Chestnuts, Don’t They?),

 

Ennio Morri-Coney,

Karen Carpenterry’s Chocolate Orange,

Iggy AlcoPop

Rednex’s Apricotton Eye Joe

Glenn Miller’s Chatta-Nougat-Choo Choo

Nicklebacker Glory

New Cones on the Block

Honey Combs

Nay-plum Death

Aphex Twinnamon

 

Ice Cream Plones

Knick-Autechre glory

Sherbet Ranks

Busta Limes

Blue Bërry Cult

Yo La Mango

George Clint chocolate chip and Parliment.

The Icarus Lime.

Sun RAspberry ripple

DJ Butterscotch Egg

 

Kenickie-bocker glory

The New York Lolls

Makaberry

The Vanilla-inger Escape Plan and/or The Dilla-ginger Escape Plan.

The Mocha Turtles.

Julian Poke.

Death from A Fudge

Acai Teenage Riot

Fish-statio

Lee Scratch Pear

 

Black Rebel Motorcycle Berry

System of a Brown(ie)

Electric Lime Orchestra.

Bran Van(illa) 3000

The Rolling Cones

Ziggy Stardust and the Sliders from Mars

Advertisement